Driving Stick
by CuteMcBeauty
Summary: David tries to teach Killian how to drive stick gear. Who needs more patience, the air-headed prince or the sassy, unruly pirate? One shot, Captain Charming fun.(WARNING: IF YOU'RE PUT OFF BY THE SUMMARY, THEN DON'T READ THE FIC. THANKS!)


The driving lesson.

"Not sure this is much of a good idea, mate..." Killian hesitantly dragged behind David.

"Nonsense." David laughed. "It's easy as pie..."

Killian chuckled, remembering how he had tugged Baelfire to the helm of the Jolly Roger using those exact same words. Except that turning the helm wheel of a ship was probably a considerably easier task than this realm's contraptions. Cars were just a massive mechanical undertaking! All those levers, pedals, pulleys and buttons... One helm and a compass against this?

"Are you sure I can do this with one hand?" Killian sneered as they each took their sides in David's van, with Killian behind the wheel.

"You can manage." David huffed as he closed the door behind him, sitting down. "You have Emma and Henry in your watch now, pirate, you'll need to be able to move them around. Now..." He sighed and smiled at his once rogue friend. "Are you ready?"

Killian's nervous grin read 'not especially' all over it.

"Good. First things first. You're not as tall as I am, so..." He pointed at some point under the driver's seat. "Reach down and adjust your seat; make yourself comfortable, bud."

"Comfortable... ok..." Hook nodded and reached with his hook, finding a lever and tugging. Suddenly his whole body slumped forward and the steering wheel nearly rendered him breathless. "OOOOFF!"

David laughed and stepped out of the car, walked around and opened Killian's side to help him with his predicament. He stood by giggling, looking at the poor pirate, pinned between wheel and seat. Killian turned with a frown. "I am so very pleased you find this conundrum amusing, mate. Remind me to laugh out loud when I disembowel you in your sleep..."

David shook his head. "Fine, fine... cry-baby..." He reached down and dislodged the pirate, helping him adjust the seat to a decent distance and arm length. Killian breathed again and turned a warning look at David. "Get... on... with... it."

"Ok, then." David nodded, still trying hard to conceal his smirk. Now adjust height. And, ehm... try not to bump your head on the ceiling, 'mate'."

"Real funny. How?"

"On your other side, under the seat. Gently!"

Killian tugged on the other lever and felt the seat rise slowly, stopping when he was able to see the pavement ahead of him. "Right. Got it. Then what?"

"Seat belt. Up here."

Killian pulled the strap over his shoulder and turned to his right to buckle it. He still couldn't figure out where his head should be and the strap started to cut at the base of his neck. "I can gather that motoring this demonic gadget is not entirely safe, is it? Why do we need to secure ourselves?"

"Just in case." David nodded. "You're a captain, didn't you ever tie yourself to your mast, or something?"

Killian chuckled. "Only to avoid diving in after the sirens and drowning mate... other than that, no. If the ship goes asunder and you're chained to the deck, you'll be sending postcards from Davy Jones' Locker."

David went back to his seat.

"Well, no sirens here, so no need to worry for anything esle. We have air bags?"

"You've what?"

"Never mind, we'll leave safety theory for another lesson. Now..." he huffed. "How to drive stick."

"Stick?" Killian sneered.

"This baby right here..." David gave the gear shift a gentle pat. "Now, see the pedal on the left?" Killian turned and nodded. "That's your clutch."

Killian turned his eyes to David and raised an eyebrow. "I could swear that that sounds sexual..."

"CLUTCH, you moron, CLUTCH!, not crotch!"

Killian giggled mischievously. "You did say I'd drive stick..."

"Is it possible for you to take ANYTHING seriously and not immediately assume it's related to some erotic context?"

"Who's the cry-baby now?" Killian teased his friend in that funny manner of his, tongue in cheek and bobbing his head.

"Hook!"

"David!"

"Pay attention!"

"OK, fine." he sighed. "What does the... CLUTCH do?" He said, stepping on it repeatedly.

David huffed. "You press on that so you can move the stick, make the engine go faster..."

Killian laughed again. "Sounds like foreplay..."

"Oh, here we go again."

"Ok, all right mate, don't get your knickers in a twist."

"Focus!" David scolded. Killian raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together, highly amused. "Now, look." He turned his blue gaze to the odd looking, pear shaped leaver between them. It was too much for Killian's dirty mind. "Here's first. Go on, put your foot in the clutch..." Hook grunted and turned to look at David as his boot went all the way into the pedal. "Here, see?" David shifted the gear. " So, each gear has like a speed limit, if you want to go faster than, say, 2.50 or 3, you have to switch to second, so you go to neutral..."

"Neutral?"

Here, look..." David jostled the lever again to its middle ground. "Here we're not moving at all see? Now... Clutch, again please..." Killian complied and turned to the leaver. "You shift to second. I usually don't like to go beyond thrid, though, it can get a little hard to control."

"So... how do I slow down?" Killian frowned. "Say I'm going through the woodland and one of the dwarves crosses the road unexpectedly..."

David laughed at the way Killian pronounced the word "dwarf", and sighed. "Middle pedal, dude. That's your brake."

"So, I have to dance my feet around these bloody things while I switch around this leaver... and also mind the helm?"

"It's a wheel."

"Yes, mate, the helm is normally a wheel."

"No, Hook, this is called a wheel, not a 'helm'." David shook his head and huffed. "This is a car, not a ship."

Killian rolled his eyes. "Potato po-tah-to, love. Just get on with it."

David narrowed his eyes. "You're hopeless..."

"At least I'm dashing."

"That's not gonna make you a better driver."

"But it will make your van look a damn sight better..."

David shook his head. "Look, can we just...?"

"Yes, yes, go on, what then?"

David went on with the theory: Clutch, brake and gas, neutral, ignition, revving, speeding, emergency braking, releasing and pressing the gear, kangarooing, vibrating, sliding...

It was time to take the vessel for a spin.

"Right then, so..." Killian bit his lips and looked around the cabin, trying to organize his thoughts as he finally settled for the ignition key. "Let's see... Go neutral... Press down on clutch, turn this key..." The car blared to life and Killian smiled. "Ahh! That was perfect." He turned to David with a wink.

David nodded back. "So far so good. Now what?"

"Now the fun begins!" Killian bit his tongue with a grin and took his foot to the brake, switched gears and went into first.

"Ok..." David nodded. "Now, slowly... slowly release the brake..." Killian complied with an amused grin. "Ok, that's good, be careful, you're kangarooing a bit... more clutch... ok, very nice... a little faster now... be gentle... press it... press it, just a little bit harder... right there, that's it, keep going!"

"Mate, you should really shut up, your sex banter's throwing me off and there's only one person in the world who gets to say those things to me!" Killian laughed.

"WHAT?"

"Oh, like you didn't know, you wilting spring flower, you..." Killian cackled back, his eyes fixed on the road and hand an hook on wheel. "Do you really think we don't...?"

"That's my daughter you're talking about!"

"Not just talking..." Killian raised both eyebrows. "Loads more than just 'talking'..."

"Whatever, Pirate, I don't wanna know!" David barked and Killian laughed, highly amused at David's flustered state.

"Ok, so... To get to Granny's..."

"Red light..."

"What red light?"

"Up there, red light?"

"And what of it?"

"Stop!"

"What?!"

"Killian!"

The van raced past the red light and Killian swiveled to a halt once on the other side of the road before the sound of honking cars.

"You demented bastard!" David shouted. "Red light!"

"WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IN A RED LIGHT?" Killian shouted back.

"David frowned. "Didn't I... explain traffic signals?"

"No, I'm afraid you left that particular detail out, your bloody highness..." The Captain hissed with a gnarl. "Might I suggest you further instruct me on those before I, let's say, get us all killed?"

"Ok, ok, Hook, enough with your bile." David huffed and released a high pitched 'Whoo!' as he ran a hand through his hair. "It's simple enough. Green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop. Ok?"

"That wasn't so hard now, was it?"

"Be quiet. Now..." He sat straight again. "Let's have another try...2

Killian huffed. "Fine." He revved the engine and smiled. "I like the way that sounds."

"You're using up gas, Hook, don't do it."

Killian turned a defiant smirk at David and revved again. "Oh, just once more... It's like a cat purring after chasing a rat."

David rolled his eyes. "Look, I know the Jolly Roger was wind powered, but over here gas is not exactly cheap, Killian, so please stop screwing around and get on with the show, huh?"

"Ah, bugger off, I'm coming!" Killian sighed and shook his head. "Bloody testy prince..." He turned the wheel and released the brake, speeding out and almost hitting a passing car.

"Bloody hell!" He stepped on the brake and both he and David slumped forward.

David was having a hard time not losing his patience. "Mirrors!" He shouted at him.

"I see them, mate! What about them?"

David frowned again. "I... didn't tell you about them, either?"

Killian rolled his eyes and leaned back into the seat. "I think you also omitted that other detail. " He turned to David and grinned a highly annoying grin. "How are you even alive, mate?"

"Ok, shut up. The mirrors..." He adjusted the read view inside. "These are not just here so you can gawk at your...'dashing' face, buddy. You use these to see cars coming behind you, see the distance, figure out how to move. So... take a look..."

Killian looked to his left and saw the mirror. "Not a car in sight..."

"Ok... so it's safe to move. Go." Killian drove for a few seconds steadily. "Ok, that's really good. You're getting it!"

"So, say I want to go faster?"

"Ok, change lanes..."

Killian frowned. "How do I change lanes? What's a lane?"

"Oh..." David sighed. "I didn't tell you about lane speed, either, did I?"

Killian huffed and once again pulled over with a mild slump. "No... you did not include that in your magnificent display of teaching skill, either."

"Ok. Left lane..." He pointed to the side of the road. "High speed lane. You can go a bit faster there. If, however, you plan to continue driving like an old lady, you take the right lane. Middle lane is for an average speed."

"What if I go slowly on either lane?"

"Then you're hogging the space and we get fined."

"I see... and if I speed on the slow lane?"

"Are you maniacal? We could cause an accident!"

Killian nodded. "Just covering all the bases, mate. Now..." He turned the two huge, sky blue puppy eyes to his sort of father in law friend. "Anything else I should know before I take off and manage to turn this artifact into a tin can?"

David thought for a few seconds and shook his head. "I don't think so."

"I swear if you shout an me again in the middle of it and I lose my concentration..."

"Go on, let's go."

Killian nodded. "Not doing too poorly, am I?"

"Not too much."

"Right then." The Pirate adjusted his collar. "If I could fly a three ton wooden vessel, I can certainly get this device to Granny's. Now... Mirror... no one's coming... right, off we go."

"Ok... ok that's it. You got it. Right there... and... a little faster... just let off the... ok good, good..."

"DAVID!" Killian shouted unexpectedly. "Either you remain quiet or you transform into a luscious young woman and have your way with me!"

"Ok, sorry, Geez!"

"Do you even know what you sound like, mate?"

"Just focus... "

"Very well, Granny's is this way..."

"Don't turn left."

"But Granny's is..."

"No left!"

Once again they screeched to a halt. "Might I know, once and for all, the reason why I CAN'T turn to the left, when the diner's in tjhat direction?" an exasperated Killian turned to David.

"Oh..." David scratched his brow. "Yeah, that too. You can't turn to the left in large roads."

The pirate did a face palm. "You are shaping up to become the worst driving coach in history..."

"Hey, at least I'm teaching you, now go on, let's go, turn right on the next and do a u-turn on..."

"What in BLAZES is a U-Turn?"

HOOKHOOK HOOK HOOK HOOK HOOK HOOK

By the time they reached the diner, David was sweating and Killian was in an admittedly foul mood. Snow waited there with little Neal while Emma tried to figure out what had happened to the battery of Henry's PSP when the jingling of the bell atop the door drew their gaze.

In came two men with set jaws, and both sat defiantly facing each other, next to each other's significant other, angry gazes locked.

"Whoa..." Emma looked from her father to her boyfriend.

"I take it the driving lesson didn't go too well..." Snow shrugged.

"Oh it went well." Killian nodded, his lips pressed together. "I can certainly captain that diabolical engine now, although I'm not sure my first mate helped any..."

"I lost the front bumper because nearsighted Jones here can't tell the difference between the sidewalk and a parking space!"

"You NEVER explained it!" Killian leaned forward. "I'm not DAFT, mate, I can get it... if you bloody explain it!"

David sneered. "I didn't.. explain how to park, either?"

"No, you did NOT!"

"Oh..." David relaxed and smiled. "Well there's this concrete bump where you have to park and..."

"Oh be quiet, Prince, I'm here now!" Killian sneered.

Snow nodded with a grin. "Yeah, Charming can be a little bit... vague."

"What?" David turned to his wife with a frown. "I told him everything!"

"Except parking lines..." Emma smiled.

"Did you mention lane markings?" Snow cut in.

"And crossing lines?"

"Mileage signals?"

"Exit and entry lines?"

"How to change a tire?"

David looked like a deer in headlights, shifting his face from a highly amused Emma and a grinning snow, to a dark browed Killian, his face slightly annoyed. "Ok, all right, I WAS going to tell him about those, ok?" He held his hands up.

"When, mate? After our untimely deaths?" Killian sneered a smile.

"Ok, enough..." Emma grinned, placing her hand on Killian's thigh. "Go on, let's just get something to eat. " She looked up at him. "Wanna drive me home, pirate?"

"NOT on your life, Swan. You captain your vessel, I'll adhere to my own know how..."

"Come on!" she grinned, running her hand slightly up his thigh. "I can teach you better than my dad..."

Killian raised an eyebrow and looked briefly to his thigh. Emma's hand was dangerously close to... well, the gear.

He smiled. "Teach me to drive stick?"

"Hell yeah."

Snow frowned and David flushed red.

Killian just smirked.

Annoying his father in law was fun.


End file.
